Family · Grace

My Message To My Younger Momma Self

If I could somehow travel back in time and give a message to my younger momma self, I would grab hold of my shoulders, look myself in the eye, and say – Girl, RELAX!

I would tell myself to stop worrying about getting it right, to stop that quest for the one, right way to be a good mother. I would say — For goodness’ sake, quit it with all the books! And especially the books by the authors who claim to have figured it out. And for all that’s holy and good, stop it with the authors who promise their way is God’s chosen parenting method! I’d grab those books right out of my younger momma self’s hands and throw them straight into a bonfire and roast marshmallows over the flames.

Because there is no one right way to parent children. And if God felt so strongly about a particular parenting method, I’m pretty sure He would have nudged Moses or Solomon or Paul or Timothy or somebody to write it down in the Book that does include all that is near and dear to His heart.

I would tell myself — Stop feeling guilty for napping on the couch with your infant sleeping on your chest! No, you’re not ruining her sleep patterns forever! Because that girl is a teenager now, and TRUST ME, she can get herself to sleep and keep herself asleep until I force her to get out of her bed on a Saturday morning.

I would tell myself to stop fretting about whether I should nurse that boy again so soon after his last feeding, to stop beating myself up over not sticking to a schedule. Because in a BLINK, a FLASH, he will be ten years old. And if I could actually travel back in time, I would beg my younger momma self to let me hold this one for just a few more minutes because I miss his little head nuzzled in my neck and I miss the smell of baby shampoo on his head and I miss his sweet milk breath as I try to burp him.

ThingFourTenYearsAnd when ten years have gone by — I’ll tell my younger momma self — you won’t even remember whether he slept six hours or eight hours at night when he was nine months old. And nobody can tell by watching the stinky, sweaty boys on the soccer field which boys cluster-fed and nursed to sleep and which boys were on a more predictable nursing routine. It. Just. Won’t. Matter.

Whether you take away the pacifier at six months or one year or eighteen months — nope, it doesn’t matter. Whether you potty train at two or three or have one who refuses to go until you tell him he isn’t allowed to turn FIVE, for heaven’s sakes, unless he goes in the potty — when they’re reading books and writing essays and wearing shoes nearly as big as yours, it just won’t matter.

When my magic time capsule lands in the park and I see my younger momma self trying to get a rambunctious preschool boy to get down off the slide and into the car, I would give myself a big ole’ hug and tell myself not to make it a battle of wills. I would encourage myself to make it a fun game, to keep a sense of humor. I would tell myself to stop worrying about whether I’m letting him win because when his momma is smiling and loving on him and not making every little thing a big obedience issue, we all win.

I would tell my younger momma self that it’s not my job to fashion perfect little children, molding their behavior to look just right. I would tell myself to lighten up, that shaping hearts is God’s job and He can handle it much better than I can, thankyouverymuch. I’d tell myself to love them, teach them, consistently repeat over and over the lessons they need to learn, and then I’d tell myself to trust God to really work in them. Trust Him.

And when my time travels delivered me to the middle of my living room, beside a three-year-old having a massive tantrum about the most ridiculous thing, I’d tell myself to not take it personally. That there are many more where that one came from and if I’m going to take every one personally, it’s going to be a long, long haul. I’d nudge myself on the shoulder and whisper — Pick up that kid and hug her. She’s tired and grumpy and she’s learning how to handle not getting her way. Don’t give in and give her what she’s throwing a fit about, but hug her and kiss her and tell her you know it’s hard when we can’t have what we want. Let her be sad about it for a few minutes. And then tell her it’s time to suck it up and move on. Then play some music and dance with her. And laugh. Laughter makes everything better.

I’d give my younger momma self permission to be imperfect and have imperfect children. I’d tell myself to stop spending so much time correcting and training and just ENJOY the children. Dance more. Giggle more. Play more.

I’d be tempted to grab a megaphone and shout — Savor this! It’s going to fly by! I know every old person you see in WalMart tells you that, but it’s TRUE! Slow down. Commit these moments to memory. Stop worrying about getting it all right and just LIVE IT! Live the heck out of each moment!

And when you’re too tired to Carpe Diem, give yourself a little mercy and a nap and some chocolate. That’s OK too. Some days it’s enough just to keep everyone alive.

Finally, I’d tell myself to ask for help. To invite friends over even if the house is messy. To be real with people. I’d say – You don’t have it all together. And it’s ok if people know that. Just breathe. And admit you need help sometimes. Because we all do.

Yeah, if I could somehow travel back in time and sit down for coffee with my younger momma self, I’d say – Take care of yourself. Love your children — unconditionally love them. Go after their hearts. Give HEAPS of grace to yourself and your kids. And don’t sweat the small stuff.

What would you tell your younger self?Β 

 

 

 

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119 thoughts on “My Message To My Younger Momma Self

      1. Sad to say, I still need this advice for my oldest child. Thankful she can wear my shoes now so when I drop her off at high school and she has forgotten her shoes, I can give her mine.

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  1. I am a “younger momma” and I needed this. Thank you… you hit it right on with my 5 year old: “I would tell myself to lighten up, that shaping hearts is God’s job and He can handle it much better than I can, thankyouverymuch.”
    My almost 3 year old and my new newbie. Might have to print this puppy out!! =) Thanks for your beautiful words!

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    1. A beautiful reflection.. bless you gracelandjenn for writing this and bless you Christina (and every other mom who can head this advice) for having the ears, eyes and willingness to do what she suggested! I’m a mama of one, 17 year old, boy. Loving my son always came naturally. Setting boundaries and gentle discipline were things I learned through trial and error. Choosing to be less intense sooner would have been good for me and everyone around me but I don’t beat myself up over it. My faith in God’s love is what has seen me through it all!

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  2. well put. I disagree on the way it came across to me about not forming my children’s spirit. But then again there is now way to be a bad parent if you are trying to do your best. I think we need to guide them and train them. Training comes in all forms. By example is the best. This reminded me in my busy life with 6 kids at home to sit and be quiet. I am seeing both side of the story now. I am a little bit more seasoned than I once was, and I still have babies. I am enjoying these babies so much more. Learning to love them through the diffuculties… Thier quarks are not a show of my parenting, they are unique and individual. I’m learning to let things go, and when to fight back. I learn with each new kids, and each new kids creates different challenges and different battles. I’ve learned being a mom means I learn more about myself and they are just tagging along to keep fed and stay warm and to make me feel loved. ❀ Thank you for you post!

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      1. Lol, me too… It’s tough being that they are all under 8. I actually had 6 in almost exactly 7 years. So of course my dynamics would be different than most other moms ❀ feel free to e-mail me any keep in touch.

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  3. LOVE this post so much that you inspired me to do my own!! There are so many more things I would love to tell my younger momma me. Thanks for prompting me to sit back and reflect and encourage my readers to do the same. These are things I need to still currently keep reminding myself. You post is a blessing and encouragement!

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  4. This was very well put. As a mother to a new baby girl, I have to remind myself of these things frequently. Thank you for wording it so well!

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  5. I don’t know if I can find enough words to tell you how much I needed to hear this today.
    I have a 2.5 year old and am 19 weeks pregnant with number two. I also keep my friends 2.5 year old full time.
    Today my daughter who is typically very well behaved and responsive has been SO BAD! Temper tantrums, defiance, meanness to her friend even kicking/hitting me etc all on top of a messy house and having just gotten out of the hospital i was beyond overwhelmed today.
    I called my husband near tears asking him what to do. I feel very ill equipped and overwhelmed.
    And then my friend posted your blog and I just happened to read this post.
    It could not have been more perfect. THANK YOU for the encouragement. Thank you for the reminder that we aren’t going to be perfect or “get it right” every time. But the reminder to love our children and God will take care of the rest. Thank you thank you thank you.
    GOD BLESS YOU!

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    1. I’m so sorry you had a bad day, but I’m so thankful God used something I wrote to encourage you. I remember those days so well. It’s hard when you have a toddler & are pregnant. You’re in the thick of it! Hang in there, Sister!

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  6. So good. I want to frame this and hang it on my bedroom wall. Two under two, I am a tired stay at home mom. I want to enjoy them, and I think the older me just gave me permission. Thank you.

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  7. I’m a younger mum, and I absolutely love it! Gods blessings have been awesome! It’s so refreshing to know there are people who understand what we struggle with as mums, & yet won’t let the pressure of other people shape how you choose to raise you child/children. This was a lovely read!

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  8. This what I get to do every single day. My older boys are 16, 13, and 10. The one good thing about having a baby that is 9 years younger than the 10 year old is sooo nice. I get to talk to my younger momma in real time!!! This was beautiful and so true. LISTEN young mommas!!! It is sooooo true!!!

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  9. I have to tell you that by the 5th paragraph I was bawling.

    I’m the proud mama of 6 beautiful daughters. My oldest will be 27 in July and my youngest 15 next month. I, myself will hit the big 5-0 in May. I watch my girls and I am so enormously proud of who they have become and are becoming. But I also so little things, things that point out some of the hurtful ways we parented especially the older girls.

    If I could go back, I would never have spanked any of them. Only the youngest escaped this entirely. I would have apologized more quickly, yelled less often (I can’t promise that I would never have yelled), and just spent more time with them. I was a stay-at-home-homeschooling mama so was always there, but not always *there*.

    I’d have gone outside with them more instead of just sending them out to play. We would have gone on walks and explored more. We would have done more messy art and experiments. I would have worried less about trying to become a better housekeeper and just kept working on being a better mama (and wife, but that’s a different post. :-)).

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    1. And humor….my sister has 11 children. Her motto is ” if I am going to laugh about this in 10 years, I may as well laugh about it now” she has a fabulous relationship with every single one of those awesome kids .

      Like

    2. I am pushing the big 50 also and my beautiful daughter is 17…graduating next year…my son is 26 and has a son of his own that he is raising by himself…Oh how I love being a Grandma!!! If I could only somehow encourage my son to stop and smell the fresh baby shampoo in my grandsons hair…I miss my children as babies and although being a grandma is wonderful, I would love to have my grandson around all the time if I could.

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  10. Today I’m grateful. These 2 that kept me crazy are 10 & 11. Not that things are any less crazy with so much on their plates. MS keeps me from those hikes in the woods and teaching kick-the-can. Simply can’t believe I’m old enough that a constant summer game of my youth is non-existent! I’m grateful for your words and knowing God teaches and holds and loves in extraordinary ways. You wrote so beautifully! Thank you.

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  11. So much wisdom in this post! Such an encouragement to mothers of young children. Keep up the good work. You have a great mission. Moms definitely need encouragement! Bless you bunches! –A grandma πŸ™‚

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  12. Oh man this is going to be printed out more than once and stashed in the car, house, office, ect. Sometimes it is hard to see through the fog of sleepless nights or the current storm that is your toddler. Thanks for the reminder! – Mom of a 20month old

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  13. Thank you for this. I have a 20 mo old and a 3 mo old. I am struggling daily. This is a good reminder to stop trying to control everything and just enjoy them. Thank you thank you.

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  14. When I read this, I felt an answering echo to everything that you wrote. I also, lived those days, long ago. My oldest is 37 and my youngest is 20 yrs. old. I have nine children. I now have 19 grandchildren and one great-granddaughter.
    I have often told young mothers, try not to worry so much. These small trials, will soon pass. Hang on to these times, do not wish your babies lives away. Time not only speeds by but, it goes faster every year.
    I wish that I could go back in time to hug them, kiss them, play with them,cuddle them and love them. God has given us them for such a short time in the scheme of things. Our children are all blessings from Heaven. Treat them as the precious gifts that they are. Remember that your voice often becomes their inner voice. The voice in their heads that needs to tell them of love, of your love, and of God’s love for them. Try not to just be the voice of judgement of the wrong things that they have done. Make memories with your children for someday, memories are all that you will have of
    these fun times. Cherish your little ones and enjoy them every day.

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    1. “your voice often becomes their inner voice” and “Make memories with your children for someday, memories are all that you will have”
      Wow… such a great blog and your comment an added bonus!!
      I have 3 kids, 3 yrs old and under. Loving the baby stage much more the 3rd time around but still constantly obsessing over cleaning the house… I need to let it go!! Lives are more important!! Thank you!!

      Was wondering though, my motivation for routine and order is largely centered around getting them taken care of so I can squeeze in time for my own personal hobbies (I’m an athlete, training for races). Should I forgo some of my personal goals for a few years and just focus on them, is it easier to do those kinds of things when they are older or not even then? Would I regret this when I’m older you think, what did you do? Thanks!!!!

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  15. I’m a sleep-deprived momma of a beautiful 11 month and precocious 3 yr old. You brought me to tears and encouraged my heart. Thank you

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  16. I shared this gem on my Facebook fan page but can’t seem to find your profile/page on there. I sincerely envy you if you’ve managed not to get sucked into the vortex of time wasted that is FB. πŸ™‚ ~ Dee

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  17. Thank yo so much for this post…. so many points hit home and I appreciate all the great words of advice to help me along at a time where I needed it most!

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  18. I have been so stressed lately trying to fit everything in. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to do it all! I feel like I can school the kids and keep the house clean, or I can throw the schooling and the cleaning out the window and enjoy the kids/spend “fun” time with them. Thanks for sharing.Very thought provoking post.

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  19. You hit the nail on the head!!!! Way to go!
    We also have 6 kiddos.. Though I think I have a bigger gap than you. My oldest is ten and youngest is 18 m. πŸ˜‰

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  20. I can appreciate your wisdom from experience, but felt like you were blasting everything out of the water. Let’s remember that as a new young mother you did the best with what your experience level was, as does any other new mom. Yes, I have have made lots of mistakes in my responses to situations that I have learned once again through “experience” can be toned down, but I can’t regret some things I did not know. Going after their hearts is the key but that too takes discipline and obedience. There are a lot of tough things we have to do that are not fun feeling as we raise our kids or they will grow up thinking that life is easy and it isn’t. Perhaps looking back at what age you take away the binky is not important now, but it was at the time of the child’s development. The Bible instructs us as older women to instruct the younger women and that is how I feel your story can be better delivered. Look back and evaluate and eliminate, but with grace not explosive regret. πŸ™‚

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  21. As I prepare to be a first time mom, thank you! I too may have to post this on my bathroom mirror or at my desk as a gentle reminder for those long days (and nights!) that I know are ahead of me in this journey. πŸ™‚

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  22. Single mom of two precious boys, age 3 and 4. I’m in tears reading. There’s nothing harder than wanting acceptance for your babies in the world and not even coming close to creating it with only one set of hands. I have to constantly remind myself that there ARE two sets and that the others are far greater than mine. I’ll be honest, that doesn’t provide the daily comfort I expect or wish.
    Without question, the hardest part is asking for help. Single moms aren’t given too much thought unless you’ve been one. That was the case for me. So it requires actually asking for help…and I’ve not ever been very good at that.
    Thank you for reminding this “young mama” the future is NOT in my hands. What is in my hands is the hearts of two little boys who will one day grow to be the men in other little boys/girls lives. The love I invest today will continue to be deposited for generations. That’s the MOST important part of my today.

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  23. Beautiful article, exactly how I have been feeling the last few yrs with my 9 yr old and 6 yr old! I know at the time I did what I thought was best, but the regrets that follow aren’t pretty. I would slap my younger mama self for some of the crazy stuff I stressed over and for sure would have roasted a lot of marshmallows! πŸ™‚ So thankful for this time I have left and realizing this, thanks for speaking out and sharing your heart!

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  24. Hmmm, I have to say that I disagree with much of this post. I read a lot of parenting books, and in the end (or rather a few months into our first one’s infancy) I realized that each one offered a different set of tools for our parenting toolbag. Clearly you’re making direct references to the BabyWise series, which is preachy and alarmist (like what you do in the first few months sets the stage for the rest of childhood – they really should tone that down!). But that series did help me figure out how to establish a routine, and stressed the importance of sign language which was invaluable to us. I would’ve gone INSANE if I hadn’t read and applied “Happiest Baby” to calm our fussy one, and “Love & Logic” helped us survive the toddler years+. I do not regret for one second reading a bazillion parenting books, and certainly don’t regret doing early potty training with all our kids and going cold turkey on diapers. We were definitely more anxious and rigid with our first and more relaxed with subsequent kids, but that’s a natural progression. Hope this doesn’t offend… I’m glad others find this valuable… but personally I’m not going to beat up my younger self for doing what she thought was best at the time, even if I would do some things differently now.

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  25. This made me cry. I have a 2.5y/o son and I try to savor every moment of his life, but already miss his baby self. And I have to be THAT mom who acts like super woman. Having a child and being a single mom has left me with no friends. We live with my mother for now and she is barely in town, so it also leaves me to be super woman 24/7. I don’t get those ‘breaks’ like going to grandma’s or such as my mother resents my son as he ‘took me away from her’. But I do the best I can and have a wonderful (sometimes cranky) little boy to show for my hard work as a momma. I hope to look back and know I did the best I could without missing the important things, but I know every mother will miss something about their little ones… But I can also look back on these tired times and know I did it myself, and be proud of that… We all need breaks, but that’s what nap time is for… Right?

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  26. This is so true. Having 7 children age 23 to age 6, I mostly sweated it when they were sick. I spent that special time with my children when they were young and follow them as they get older because I do not want to regret it. Therefore we eat out all the time! (I DO regret not cooking more.) Thanks for sharing!

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  27. I was a divorced mom of three (in 3 years) for 17 years. I made so many mistakes. After they were grown I asked God what I could have done differently with my oldest son who was very difficult. When He taught me, I asked why I couldn’t have known then. He told me that I was here to learn, that now I knew and would do it differently if I could di it over and that because of that it would be accounted to me as though I had done it correctly. Our God is a merciful, loving God!

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  28. As an older grandpa I agree with all that you wrote and it was not until I started to do some of those things with my kids that things changed in my life. I learn patients, love and kindness from my kids teaching me lessons and growing me as I and God grew them. I am now a much better grandpa then I ever could have been without those lessons.

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  29. My niece shared this with me and it was divine guidance personified. I am and older mom, having adopted a son when I was 44 years old. He is now 19 and I am 63. I feel guilty because I enjoy him and don’t push him to “grow up” and “get out”. I was 17 when I went to work and have not missed a month of working since. I certainly don’t think that those first years of working contributed to my maturity and/or financial stability so I have not insisted that he go to work, only that he go to school and stay out of trouble. I always wonder if I am doing him a disservice by letting him enjoy the remainder of his youth instead of insisting that he go to work for the sake of saying that he is not irresponsible. Thanks for the article.

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  30. Thank you so much for this post. I married a widow who already had 3 kids and we were married just under 2 years ago and are expecting number 4 (A BOY!! πŸ™‚ ). The kids are 10 (boy), 6 (girl), and 3 (girl) and I struggle daily to love these kiddos. This post really struck home and goes along with all I’ve been praying about lately. It’s hard being pregnant and dealing with so many different things on my plate. I got tears in my eyes reading this and the comments. I just thank my Heavenly Father everyday for the strength He gives me to keep going. This is part of that strength! THANK YOU!!!

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  31. Thanks for the great reminder! I definitely need reminded of this often! And I actually just came back today to reread this post again πŸ™‚

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  32. I can;t begin ti thank you for your blog. I have read this several times because it’s exactly what this much older Mom of three young adults two sons who are 20 and 22. I also have a daughter who is 17. Things have not always been perect. but I gave them every ounce of I could be.I have lately questioned my methods, and it has brought me a sense of peace and acceptance of my individual, and as a Mother! Thank you again!

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  33. I can’t begin to thank you for your blog. I have read this several times because it’s exactly what this much older Mom of three young adults two sons who are 20 and 22. I also have a daughter who is 17. Things have not always been perfect. but I gave them every ounce of I could be.I have lately questioned my methods, and it has brought me a sense of peace and acceptance of my individual, and as a Mother! Thank you again!

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  34. I am that younger momma self right now and I always catch myself worrying about how what I do now will impact them later. And I constantly have to stop and tell myself that loving them unconditionally now and always is what s important, not what time they go to bed or how I handled their fits. So thanks for sharing. Great advice to us younger moms

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  35. You seriously don’t know how much I needed that today. After feeling judgement due to my two year old who has yet to learn how to whisper in church left me ragged and stressed last night. Thanks for the wake up call. Because no one will seriously remember that in a week. Thanks for giving me some perspective. Awesome post!

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  36. We hear this all the time, don’t we? Is there any mom of little ones who can look back and say, “I DID THAT! I savored every moment!”? I really want to be able to look back without regret of wasted moments in my precious season. But it seems like it’s inevitable to make mistakes either way because motherhood is such a HUGE CHALLENGE. Not only is there no perfect mother, but there is no mother who perfectly appreciates her imperfection.
    Nevertheless, I am so thankful for you moms who have made it through your season of small children and continually encourage us young mommies to ENJOY IT. If you don’t remind us…we will forget to keep striving for a gracious and generous demeanor toward our sweet babies.
    So, thank you for reminding me to snuggle and giggle and play today!! -mommy of 3 (3 and under).

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  37. My 3 year old and 10 month old are both napping. I resisted the urge to freshen up the kitchen and put these blocks and cars back in their bins for the forth time today. Instead I read your blog. I laughed.. and cried ..and somehow felt bricks taken off my shoulders. Thank you for this!! I’m now going to stay in my yoga pants and snuggle with my lil guy.

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    1. Oh, Laurie! I am so glad you found your way here just when you needed to read it! I hope you enjoyed the extra snuggles yesterday. You’re in the thick of it – the most exhausting times. But you & your yoga pants, you got this, Sister!

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  38. This post is spot on. Instead of formulas on how to parent we need books on how to give ourselves grace. Every child is unique. This has obviously been a huge encouragement to many worn out mamas.

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