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The Pristine Colon, The Overachieving Gallbladder, & The Alien Baby (or something like that)

I am a wuss. There, I’ve said it. I’m a wimp. A sissy. A namby-pamby. Do people who aren’t 80-something retired military members even say namby-pamby?

It’s true, though. I’m a crybaby. Or, as Rachel said the entire year she was 5, baby-cry. I am a baby-cry.

And if you live with chronic pain, I am so very sorry. I have mad respect for you if you even smile once a week. Because I had surgery last Friday, and I have had pain for 6 whole days. Six days. Almost a week. Of pain. And I am not bearing it cheerfully. I am a baby-cry. And if you live with pain all the time, I do not know how you do it. And if I were Oprah, I would give you a car and send you to DisneyWorld and mail you that fruit of the month club thing. Because being in pain sucks. Err, stinks. I make my kids say stink. But really, stinks doesn’t sound quite forceful enough. Being in pain sucks.

I had my gallbladder removed last Friday. No, I did not have gallstones or an infected gallbladder. I didn’t even have crystals in my bile. And I really wanted crystals in my bile. Because how cool would that be, to be bejeweled from the inside-out? Alas, no crystals in my bile. After I started having pain and nausea every time I ate, I had a lot of tests. They looked at every bit of my insides. And I don’t want to brag or anything, but I have a pristine colon. Pristine. I’m thinking of having a bumper sticker made. My child is an honor student, and I have a pristine colon.

So after all the tests were done, we finally concluded that the only explanation for my pain and nausea was an overachieving gallbladder. Ok, so maybe that’s not the technical term. But most gallbladders squeeze out 35-75% of the bile inside after food is ingested. My gallbladder was squeezing out 96%. Obviously overachieving. I’ve always liked having the highest score on a test, but this was taking it to the extreme. Another potential bumper sticker?

Anyway, the super-squeezing gallbladder had to come out. So last Friday, the surgeon poked 5 holes in me and took out my gallbladder. While he was poking around my belly button, he discovered a small umbilical hernia (thank you, 6 pregnancies!), so he repaired that too. It was a Buy-One-Get-One Sale in the OR.

As most of you know, I am a researcher. I Google Up everything! So I read approximately 6,286 actual, legit medical articles and approximately 4,328 WikiAnswer-type things about gallbladder surgery (or laparoscopic cholecystectomy, as the MD-crowd calls it). Every single one of the things I read said that recovery time is 3-5 days. Many, many people reported going back to work on Day 3. Ok, I don’t know what these 3-5 Day people are made of, but this is most definitely where my overachieving ends. On Day 3, I was still counting down the minutes between hours 3 and 4, until I could take another Lortab. On Days 3, 4, and 5, I totally broke my 24-hour per article of clothing rule and wore the same pair of pajamas.

Maybe it’s because of the extra hernia repair. Maybe it’s because I came down with strep throat and a kidney infection 3 days before my surgery. Maybe it’s because I may or may not have had a little infection around the belly button incision on Days 2, 3, and 4. But I am still in pain on Day 6. (Is this Day 6? Do we count the day of surgery as Day 1? I wasn’t a math major, and I probably still have narcotics in my system, so I can’t even guarantee I could count to 10 right now.) I actually hurt in places that weren’t even cut on. And I’m taking naps like an old man. Don’t let me sit in one place for too long, or I’ll doze right off.

Oh, and I look like I’m about 6 months pregnant. Did they take out a gallbladder and implant an alien baby? Should I call Sigourney Weaver for advice? That would absolutely be bumper sticker worthy! My colon is pristine; my gallbladder is overachieving; and my alien baby is an honor student!

I would think the aliens would choose someone with greater fortitude to bear their baby. Someone with a greater pain threshold. Someone far less namby-pamby for sure! Maybe those aliens have a weakness for baby-cry women with pristine colons. That must be it.

 

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